Ineffable Ontological Detanglement .: Introspective Assistance & Mental Analysis Manual
Automatic Self-Referential Cognition leaves you incredibly susceptible to developing this disorder, however it is not a requirement. All of the outside of you is the same as the inside of you, every aspect of outside of you is the same as inside of you.
The scream fest at my mother that finally broke the boundaries of now I will emotionally permit myself to scream fest at my parents whenever wherever. After my father had gone over my head with a life running potential paranoid complete life ruining fear barriers assertion over his careful studying of my face that caused me to violently shake as I attempted to put my coffee in the microwave, she approached me as I was putting my shoes on getting ready to go for a walk with "Are you angry at us?" I said "Yes, mother, I am angry at you." Eventually drawing us into the discussion of them thinking they can monitor every aspect of my life with their stupid so they can run it properly with their stupid.
As I screamed in her face I was beginning to draw out something a little unordinary. The absolute unbreakable... She is creating for me happiness and there's nothing I can say about it. I'm giving her all sorts of complex explanations of the difference between her conception of my happiness and my actual happiness, all she ever does is destroy my actual happiness. It was breaking beyond the usual barriers of parental misunderstanding into the territory where I could clearly see she thinks she is me she thinks I am her, what I am inside just as what everybody is inside is clearly in every way her, everything about me is her everything about everybody is her, we're all identical to her in all of our thoughts and feelings in every way and in her own little world we automatically understand to be everything she knows us to be, think and feel everything she knows us to think and feel. She is within a complete and total solipsism there is no way anybody could ever possibly argue with the only thing that exists is her.
She starts doing her humanistic psychology "I feel sorry for you..." ego snap, she does it so often it pretty much proves the entire damn thing. She is the queen of soft gentle warm head pat, she knows the second anybody penetrates her ego she gets to soft gentle warm head pat them. Obviously, to every single one of these people, they feel a power thrill, all alone inside of themselves the only person acknowledging their power, every single time they soft gentle warm head pat anybody for anything be it being crazy or finally showing emotion. This is also where I learned that if I begin penetrating her ego she will automatically switch conversation to "Do you believe you are psychotic?"
In the midst of my yelling I gave her the in face hand motion vaguely resembling strangling. My father says "Are you threatening your mother?" I said "THIS is not a repressed violent urges gesture, this is a standard body language gesture." I am so beyond my limits sick of needing to explain my every movement through the system of societal education based over simplified associations. I have a lot of repressed feelings towards my mother, but, no, none of them are particularly violent, the thought of doing anything violent to her doesn't hurt me emotionally it just feels fucking stupid. It isn't that way with everyone, with her it just feels far too stupid I have no desire whatsoever to engage with it. I said no I don't want to hurt you I just want to scream in your face until you rearrange your thinking shut the fuck up and leave me the fuck alone. That was when she ego snapped.
Violence towards her feels stupid, however in the moments where she was engaging in her vacuuming addiction and I was trying to sleep I would think, well, it wouldn't be SO stupid if I went out there and slit her throat. It's just efficiently solving a problem, like somebody left the fridge open and the little alarm beeper is going off or something.
This is an example of the type of person, and it doesn't always require a disorder, where you're carefully explaining the details of why they're wrong and they need to stop and they get to use their stupid that they think is the undeniable brilliance to turn this into a conversation of simple stupid concepts rather than the scary evil complicated concepts that are smarter than me and so they do not exist because I am the smartest person in the world... Making them entirely invincible... You finally get it in there and make them realize what they are is stupid and they need to stop and they ego snap. Making them entirely invincible.
Her ego snap being... Coming to the realization that the only reason I don't submit to her stupid and call it happy and choose to live a life where I find my own happiness is not because I am an awful person who is only motivated by hurting her, oh you're not interested in hurting me you're only interested in getting me to leave you alone, well then ego snap. If you haven't been trying to hurt me your entire life by refusing to become my delusional construction of you like I've always assumed is that evil little glint I see in you then ego snap. Obviously I bring out more of my natural cuteness around my parents. Then sometimes they'll also hear my scary words at stupid concepts. Put those two together and that's... That's a demon. That's for her. She obviously thought that one of the happy light side personality things with one of the unhappy dark side personality things means one of these is a complete and total facade and obviously it's the cuteness. She would bring up this kind of thing all the time, tell me to stop, she can see it she isn't blind to these things. Obviously I can see you are the impossible concepts within psychotic paranoia, son, it's perfectly normal perfectly ordinary but very unhealthy.
Eventually, as her face started to grow all the more sad and confused, she was beginning to become consciously aware of the fact that she is in the midst of impossible psychotic babble. I got part way in thur, suddenly... She says... "Arrr yooo sayin' aaaahm sayin' aaahhhhm sayin' yerr sayin'?" with her fingers doing a back and forth other self motion. That is in no way her cadence, she would never say anything like that, she barely even uses body language and she'd never use it like that. That is a generic on the nose societal standard language perfection response.
That was when I realized I had made a discovery. Okay. Okay. I had already been exploring Scary Movie Disorder in writing, this is clearly the same thing, these things click metaphysically. These things are all within the same framework, something becomes you, you hit an unconscious trigger, your mind becomes God's joke on you. She could only ever live within a similar alterated mental atmosphere. You yell at one of these things long enough you hit an unconsciously pre-programmed response.
My shoes were already on, I said "Woah! Reality brain break moment, goodbye." and went for a super long walk. Luckily I was able to realize from this that the hour long walk to the liquor store is actually basically nothing for me with my childhood forty minute walk to school induced sexy auto speed walk legs that are the curse of every woman in my life who wears heals. Where'd she go? Aw. So if I ever feel like adopting complete and total alcoholism unbeknownst to my parents who I'm usually out with doing some other thing when I buy alcohol this is how I'm going to do it.
A few weeks later she started with something that rang of her still being in the same feelings, trying to approach me with warm loving dominance I still get to do whatever I want to you me me you me you me you because of my warm lovingness, I said "No more of this are you sayin' I'm sayin' I'm sayin' you're sayin', don't make me break your brain again." She said "You don't GET to do that, you don't GET to do that to my brain." Well. Then. I guess I'm pretty much sunk, I tried, I was better off just trying to keep this thing at bay you can't solve it. However in this talk I finally got them to vaguely understand the philosophies of people who are academically deep into drug usage. I got them to realize they could both benifit from some psychedelic therapy, but, ew, they seem to want me to be their trip sitter, okay alright keep them happy don't make me think of that one, no in all honesty I don't beleive psychedelia would deem either of you worthy of psychedelia you'd both be in a lot of trouble. I made sure to explain in the manner that stated this drug abuse is not what modern psychiatry wishes to make it into, it is in fact a wild drugs experience, people take drugs to go wild and feel good, they won't inherently drift into the deepest of pathetic life destroying darkness however they are choosing to engage in a darkness. It is not your societally educated concept of personal darkness. It was an important step within the gradual process of getting them to leave me the fuck alone. I later had to cut my mother out of all of these arguments in a moment where they both frantically invaded my insides with passionate are we going to need to destroy your life with our stupid again darkness over catching me drunkenly releasing my emotions in private, she got to witness the hard every time she opened her mouth she meets "Nip nip nip bip bip bip beep beep meep meep!" with a flapping hand puppet motion. My father I was eventually able to break to that all of your psychoanalysis of me is your psychoanalysis of your wall of self confirmation, you're not as bad as my mother but you're not so hot, she is the purest of 100% complete and total contradictory delusional construction of me, you can tell her whatever you want of this discussion I don't care. He did not. He pretty much took everything I gave him and I gave him a lot, complete detached analytical dehumanization and all, levels of dehumanization you have not yet seen. Still only about half way to as far as I can go if even, he happened to catch this sober. Emotional, but, sober.
I picked up on this kind of thinking with her early on in my life, it made me develop the realization... Some people are broken and you don't get to say anything to them about it you just leave it alone and move on.
In childhood she received a lot of praise for being the smart one, she looks so damn smart within the Mennonite community so she subconsciously locked herself into I am the one with the understanding and it's impossible to touch. I'm the one who knows how people operate, so if I see you doing it and it isn't me it's obviously abnormal and if I'm the one doing it it's obviously normal because I'm obviously the one smart enough to know I have an understanding but not smart enough to know I do not. This could only be how it starts, then much like Scary Movie disorder trauma causes her to do a frantic cling to her understanding of how people operate.