Ineffable Ontological Detanglement > Mental Disorders

Life is such a giggling absurdity that it hurts, it makes you want to cry. Every little thing, you can find the absurdity of rock formations and cloud formations, you can find the absurdity of a bag of chips. You know nobody can handle the true nature of themselves, nobody, nobody could ever possibly handle what they truly undeniably are. We can all tell you're hurting, something is driving you into a demented repressed rage. Many of you develop philosophies about how sometimes you just need to laugh at life, it's okay, it's okay to laugh at life everybody takes life so serious but you can laugh at life it's fine. We-we don't... We don't care, the rest of us people on the other side of the wall, there's a life and sometimes it's funny we don't require block think labelling the entire concept of life as something we are to laugh at.

When scary movie disorder combines with passive aggressive psychosis it becomes something else, it becomes the thing that more or less brings me to the understanding of what I'm looking at. My old roommate. Who, obviously, we know, watched the American channels as a child, people like us pretty much automatically know. We don't necessarily know that it is due to the childhood subconscious locking, but, we know an American influenced when we see an American influenced. Scary Movie disorder happens everywhere, however it is most prevalent in America and it brings out the absolute very bottom of the worst of itself in Americans.

With people I have an intense distaste for, my brain don't let me be cute and funny around them I basically just fall into deep dark and serious. So, in this case, as in a lot of other cases, okay I guess you get to think you're the funny one. I always tried to give it to this guy, he has a higher frequency of good jokes but I hit much higher points of comedy. It's just because I'm not automatically trying my hardest to make funny every little thing that enters my perception, only when they actually present themselves and I notice they are in fact funny. He got a taste of my funny in high school because he got to see me with the others, but, he never really got a taste of my full capabilities because I kind of mellowed myself for the others a little as well. Not always, there were a few people with whom I could basically unleash whatever it is is on my mind. People would rarely get a good taste of me in high school because I always had some intense compartmentalization of opinions of everybody in the vicinity that was effecting my behaviour. Basically all I could do was play around with flat monotone and a lack of care for anything it pretty much worked.

In high school I knew around this guy I needed to do my best to hide myself. I can engage with him, he's pretty funny I generally like him, however he must have access to nothing about me. I wish to talk about my taste in music and movies, I need to label it for him self deprecatingly, you can have artsy fartsy, there you go I understand the true nature of myself within your perception. I go well beyond the undeniable American normal that I know you to be drawn into, I like things that express things and say things, I can't think about you people when I attempt to get anything at all out of life expression. Of course, with this I knew he was going HAHA ARTSY FARTSY BONK BONK HEHE HAHA BONK BONK BABADOOBONKBONK. HEHE HAHA BONK BONK DONK DONK. OBLIVIOUS TO HIS BONK BONK DONK DONK HAHA BONK BONK DONK DONK HAHA I AM KING OF HIS DONK DONK BONK BONK. But, whatever, he didn't have the full scope of capabilities because he does know I have labeled it for him.

This is your ringtone. *burpa durpa durpa trumpet durp* It's artsy fartsy, like you. Oh really. I see. Thank you, thank you, I see what you're saying I don't see what you're saying, I know you're probably after me expressing "And I am oblivious to it, I feel validated." but I'm not going to bother. I have life learned a good deadpan, my condition very much reinforces it. Don't think about it. Show your crack you're looking for a new apartment. In this moment, before I even knew I was the chosen one, I had a bit of an "I am the chosen one" feeling that I've been wincing at my entire life, there's no way in hell "Like you" would ever be produced for anybody but the centre of the universe.

Your couch, it's very artsy fartsy, like you. Iuhh... The uh, the angles here, the way in which... The arm rests. Curve. A little. Okay. Yes, I guess I see it I don't really care for it either but I have a leather couch it's pretty much just functional this is not my expression this is just something my parents bought when I was looking for a couch for my little basement office area when I was in high school. Okay, now I can't unsee it. This is an artsy fartsy couch. And it's me. I'm very proud of my couch. Elegant & proper. Artsy. I listen to dark and serious ambient music and ponder the beauty of my couch. Every time I sit on this couch I am art analyzing everything that is myself and floating on it. I am oblivious to how I am perceived this couch says so much about everything that is the farce of myself I can't even know. BONK. HEHE BONK BONK. BABOO BONK BONK BEE BEE BONK BONK HAHA BONK. BONK. HAHA HEHE BONK BONK DONK DONK. DARK AND SERIOUS BONK BONK COUCH. HAHA HAHA DARK AND SERIOUS BONK BONK COUCH.

I gave him the opportunity to try listening to Godspeed You! Black Emperor. He told me it makes everything you're doing while you're listening to it EPIC. UH. WHAT. STOP GIVING ME THE THINGS I CANNOT UNHEAR. YOU DO WHAT?! YOU DO WHAT IN YOUR HEAD!? YOU NOW THINK, NATURALLY, I AM DOING WHAT EVERY TIME I LISTEN TO POST-ROCK!? I didn't need to know people were capable of this, but, I guess I needed to know. This kind of information actually does very well in helping me craft my image, this is the kind of thing people do in their head. Ever addressing it is so out of this world undignified, I can't self deprecating comedy myself out of it too terribly deeply, but, I can touch it. It's more important to just retain taking myself real serious and just know that in the background this kind of thing may be happening. Try my best to counter it with nobody is affected by this kind of thinking, but, know that this kind of thinking occurs and try not to allow them to have anything. Kit Carruthers plays his piano as he takes things real dark and serious takes things real serious, OKAY.

Fucking... Block think Hollywood life soundtrack what. Motherfucker. Having access to their level of thinking did help me refine my image for the others... Not in the manner a true proper American would ever appreciate. Just. Okay. There's another level. There's another level that we otherwise would not have been aware of. Weird little potentialities of thought to explore, most notably people will mush things together in their head potentially thinking that I'm the one trying to mush concepts together for them so I can call them beautiful and float on myself but that's WRONG you idiot Kit Carruthers concepts are not supposed to be mushed together it's STUPID. DA SOUNDS IS SAY... Artificial brain network... SOWNDS. IS YER IMAGE OF GLITCH. BWAIN. It's... An ethereal blur of artistic wording of my concepts and the kind of concepts I like and the tones and textures and images I like it's all a part of my artistic expression I'm not saying... SEE. BWAIN I THINK. NETWOOOORk. GRID. SMUsic... THA BRAIN GRID IS BEEP BEEP BOOP BOOP. SEE. MEPHAHOR. IS ME. KIT RUTTHERS BLOCK. Biblewebsite? Messiahbandwebsite? Websitebiblemessiahband? Well alright then. HAY. Monitordesk. MonitordeskKitCarrutherswhateveritisyou'relisteningto. Monitorlisteningtodesk.

Did he ever get to know I create music I write stories? NOoooo... No he did not. I know he really would have wanted to know it. Just know there was some careful scary movie disorder ego monitoring going on in my days a few years before I knew what I was and into a couple years afterwards. You also did that one to me, society, very good.

Well, he brought me to Travis and psychedelic enlightenment, so, okay. Travis could dig the kind of comedy that comes out of these people, as can I, as long as you don't travel into what they're really thinking and focus on the joke it can go to some places. He found another one with this disorder, his friends never liked him but Travis liked him. I also kind of liked him, he didn't have passive aggressive psychosis but you still knew not to let him in, but, he was more comfortable to engage with, he was pretty cool. HOWEVER, the conversations they had together are what led me to see at the age of twenty this is in fact a recognizable disorder, these people all snap in the same way and they all snap like Scary Movie. It came back to me as I was writing in my mid to late thirties, after I had finally cracked what's doing that, lack of perceptual filter bypass.

Travis is fine, he's fine, he likes the abstract stoner comedy and these people are full of it, he eventually had more than enough of this guy. Hey Travis, your friend had a good one, after he said he wanted to fuck your girlfriend at the end of the phone call and hung up he said "Travis has started plotting. The first thing he thought was 'I'm going to have to kill him...'" I am not trying to out him behind his back I just thought you would appreciate that one. Travis wondered why I beefed with my old roommate, he tried to say he never flamed me, I didn't bother engaging with it it's too complicated I didn't know Travis well enough to travel into the realm of the mind sober. I knew he obviously isn't ego invested but I still have the general barriers of potential misinterpretations and misreads of who I am pointed at the world in general.

My roommate went to deep dark serious places on our second psychedelic trip together, magic mushrooms. After Travis left he was very insistent on waiting for his safety anchor but I decided these people will probably wander off somewhere and not be back we should probably just go home, he decided to go to I am the one who is freaking out I'm taking things very seriously I'm in a very serious place we need to go home so I can be comfortable okay. I mistakenly gave him talk of dark hallucinatory presence and uneasy feelings about ten minutes prior. He was in the middle of giggling himself to death at the clouds I probably shouldn't have disturbed him. He turned to his friend once in the giggling and said "And he's just a retard!" Then walking home I was trying to get him to come back down to reality but apparently I was just freaking out, his pet retard friend was freaking out. Fucking that guy wasn't giving him anything he was perfectly cool perfectly fine he had no material on him. Fucking, he knows he's just a retard you can say it you don't have to hide it. At least he's got guitar genius what have you got.

I was speaking with his pet retard, who I'll just... Switch to, friend. I'll say friend I'll call him my friend I don't get to call him his friend he has to be his pet retard. We were talking about folk metal, I wanted to show him Agalloch's "The Mantle" and obviously the lyrics are pretty silly metal head. He just naturally reverts to the blatant display face, the "You are now to begin crying at my awareness and then never speak to me about it or I'll kill you and then myself" face. The face implying that obviously what I do whenever I happen to listen to this band, obviously of the thousands of bands I know this one has become my favourite, is fall into the stunning dramatic beauty that is their lyrical expression and make it my life mantra, art analyze it and float on myself, obviously that's what I do I'm obviously oblivious to how I am perceived obviously naturally being so obsessed with these lyrics. I had to make sure he didn't get to keep it with a casual charming "Hm? Oh, yes, the lyrics yes standard metal head lyrics no basically ignore the lyrics."

Oh is Rob he thinks he so epic but he's just like a guy just doopy doopy doop just a guy a guy who all he does is likes walks to stores and types on computers and sits on couches oh but he's SOOOOO epic yeah he thinks he's SOOOO beautiful he thinks he has a really epic couch and he's just thinks he's so great. LOOK EVERYONE MY PET CRAZY, this one I'm really frantic about putting beneath me he's a tough one but I did it, I did it now I can show everyone. *burpa durpa durpa durpa trumpet durp* *hands to the side* LOOK EVERYONE, ROB. *pulls face shakes head* This one thought he couldn't be beneath me, he tried his hardest, but turns out all he is is a guy with an epic couch, how is that not beneath me? He's a crazy person.

It seems, trapped behind the badonk wall, you are incredibly depersonalized and derealized, you can't quite grasp at reality, it goes beyond an inability to grasp whether or not something is in fact a farcical representation of itself. Your very visual perception is altered, every little object enters into your mind through the wall of stupid badonk, you're badonking everybody's face, you're badonking the trees, you're badonking the lamp. Something in childhood drove into you the hard "It's absurd." Something very serious hurt you so bad, something out of this world you never thought would be possible, you fancied yourself a pretty funny person and so you semi-consciously decided to enter into the life of scary movie disorder.