Ineffable Ontological Detanglement .: Introspective Assistance & Mental Analysis Manual
Now, I really wanted to avoid this... I really really didn't want to tell you this. But, this disorder is within my maternal genetics. It exhibits itself in my mother and my aunt. DON'T WORRY, I'm fine, you're fine, everybody is fine, we're fine. This disorder only shows itself within the level between perceptual filter bypass and complete cognitive bottom out other people tell you how you're supposed to construct your ego. People smart enough to realize they get to cling to it but not smart enough to realize that it don't make no sense. No, humour, you're left with no choice but to cling to it. No that doesn't make it okay. I do not think there could ever be any incidental value within this genetic coding, pure genetic error. It is true I operate on a similar level of going straight to the solution, as in a lot of ways so does my uncle who also bypasses his perceptual filters, however I'm pretty sure even if it is related to this disorder it is not a thing exclusive to this disorder. I've never had any moment in my life struggling with this genetic disorder, it has never presented itself. NO. No I am not keeping secrets from you. NO I AM NOT KEEPING SECRETS FROM MYSELF.
NO MY ENTIRE KNOWLEDGE OF THE SELF IS NOT BASED IN ME BEING IN MY OWN LITTLE SOLIPSISTIC DREAM WORLD. This genetic disorder tells you that the world belongs to you, this is all yours this is all here for you. People are to conform to your wishes, however generally you understand everyone is just so foolish as to reject the monarch of our universe, and so you let it leak out passive aggressively and you're automatically infuriated that you seem to be the only person who understands what's happening here. It's just a comfortable fit, nobody argues with it so you would obviously never notice, it just sits quietly in the background it's painfully obvious that you are the centre of the universe so nobody needs to bother thinking about it. Sometimes people will snap on it and project on everybody that all of you just think the world belongs to you doesn't it... Hehe. It belongs to ME.
People are to conform to my wishes, but, I don't really care about it or anything you do whatever you want. You want to conform to my wishes. It's not like I use this power to make people cook me dinner or bring me the TV remote or anything.
Your brain automatically knows that you are to enter into a competition with every sibling in your family who exhibits this condition over who is a better person. It can go to surreal places like if you get close to my sister I know she's going to confide in you and ask you who is a better person, and you are to explain why it is me. It didn't happen, but, I imagine with this disorder this becomes fulfilled quite often.
This appears to be the only way to magically create your own perceptual filters. This is the only way to teach yourself how to look at the world. Sometimes it will happen outside of this disorder, however this appears to really be the only place where we can say... You are your own self teacher, you're instructing yourself how to look at the world.
You often think "Oh I would just love to put this man in his place with my logic, but saying this one would reveal my horrible dementia" then you get about a quarter second flash of "That YOoouu are fully aware of." then it flies deep into your compartmentalization where it will only ever haunt you subconsciously, every now and then touching your semi-conscious, the memory of you thinking it is semi-repressed.
It creates a lot of self serving off-communication. "None of us in this house are assholes." "I don't think you can speak for the family on this one." "Are you SAYING that I am UNQUALIFIED to KNOW?" I-it-uh... It... Ah. I don't even know why I've ever attempted to engage with this thing. Hair trigger sensitive. Even I don't catch every potentiality before I speak. "Comedy." "Oh, haha."
It will do things like... Somebody is planning a minor favour for a person, or just a consideration, sometimes just "It makes more sense if we operate under this minor consideration for this person." And the subject will approach the conversation with outrage it's so obvious I'm building a passive aggressive bank of hatred at this person that nobody would ever be aware of because it makes me operate the same on this person as any other person. Even if it's just things run smoother with this consideration for both parties, it's outrageous that we would ever offer this person a consideration. This outrage is delivered to the other person as though this is a not well thought out illogical plan of action.
It can be very dangerous to animals. When one of my older cats was starting to go a little retard psychotic and start marking his territory with fecal matter in the house, she adopted the stance of we are putting him down, I refuse to be the bad guy on this, this is the only solution. It basically turned into an argument of "I am killing your cat, okay? Stop being so evil to me in refusing my killing of your cat. You're always like this." We were eventually able to establish a little closed in area and letting him explore the basement when we're in the basement, he was able to live out his last few years reasonably okay. It was really tricky for me and my father to bring her to a reasonable solution, she was very invested in killing this cat, we basically landed on we'll see if this works we'll see if we'll be allowed to keep our cat. It... Even finding some other person who's willing to deal with this would be a better solution than murdering the source of your problems.
It is the ultimate fun ruining buzzkill, all my life I always knew if my father and I want something, such as fast food, it's probably never going to happen because the centre of the universe does not want fast food. It's gone as far as we're both really hungry, we both know it's an hour drive home, we both want fast food, the centre of the universe needs to override our desire to get fast food and tell us we're waiting until we get home I want to eat at home. It hides the chocolate, she told us we're out of control ridiculous with the chocolate whenever we buy chocolate like at least three pieces of chocolate disappear a day, sometimes five, even though she likes eating the entire box all to herself in one sitting, she leaves us no choice but to hide the chocolate when we buy chocolate.
She'd become annoyed at me for not using the microwave. She was giving me an explanation on how to read the instructions on the bag of how to microwave the frozen broccoli, I tell her I don't like using the microwave for these things I'm just going to boil them, she's just in her own little world of assuming the noises I am making are an expression of confusion on how to follow through with microwaving the broccoli, after about a minute of explaining I try again, I prefer boiling the broccoli. She gives me an annoyed dismissive "Alright!" We were having an argument about her wanting this chicken now, she's cooking this raw chicken in the microwave. I made some kind of cute "I don't think you're supposta..." comment and said I'm gonna just cook mine on the stove. This argument went on and on and on, I had nothing more to say about her cooking raw chicken in the microwave than "Alright then go for it." but she was incredibly insistent that I give up on my ridiculous idea of cooking this raw chicken on the stove when obviously the microwave is so much quicker what the fuck is wrong with you YES YOU CAN, Yes. You. Can. You can cook raw chicken in the microwave it's perfectly fine. I could tell within her, that she was trying not to let leak out, was a screeching ball of fury. It was basically ten minutes of "I don't need it now, though, I like food better cooked than microwaved." "But YOU CAN. Though. You can have it NOW. You could easily have it RIGHT NOW. WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU!?" I'm just gonna assume my father repressed a memory on that one. My mother probably just needed to repress some thoughts and follow her usual process.
It seems it might be easy enough to solve this disorder if we feed them enough dangerous information and make them want it.
While she was always sighing and grunting and finding any excuse to express intense frustration, you couldn't let any sort of underlying frustration with her become presentable in any way unless you wanted to get drawn into an hour long conversation about how she's a very warm person and if you want to learn how to function properly emotionally you learn how to not have any problem with her whatsoever.
When developing a hearing problem, the subject will develop philosophies such as nobody who builds restaurants is a kind caring considerate person, they have no idea how much hardship they're creating for one in eight hundred thousand people people like me, it's so evil, they need to build the restaurants in a manner that people with my condition cannot hear the other people in the restaurants talking, it's too much talking. You cannot let a freezer drawer twink against the back of the freezer when you close it or else incur an angry "JESUS!!!!" under the air of you so obviously automatically know you are to drive yourself into the depths of shame over disrupting the queen of our reality. DO NOT DARE drop a plate, dropping a plate is the most evil thing you could ever do, you need to STOP. You need to STOP. I'll never understand why people think I like the sound of dropping plates no I DO NOT like the sound of dropping plates no I don't know what's wrong with you people. Everybody needs to do a better job of figuring out how to not drop their plates. You don't see me being annoyed when I drop plates. Figure it out. However, the subject is of course free to establish her daily ritual of her blended beverages that require her to turn the fucking thing off and on and off and on and off and on at the most hilarious of off timings if watching from the perspective of the annoyed. Obsessed. Obsessed. Obsessed. I can't really be certain this has become liquid until about twenty minutes after it is liquid. Obsessed with vacuuming over the same spot over and over and over and over and over and over, do the entire house, go back over the same spots over and over and over and over and over, do the entire house, go back over the same spots over and over and over and over, do the entire house, go back over the same spots over and over and over and over and over. Okay it's over she's done, it's been quiet for six minutes... VRREOOOOOOEEERRR. Okay. Okay. She's been done for an hour and a half. ... VRREOOOOOOEEERRR. It's one of her favourite pastimes, she's bored, she's feeling a little stressed, I guess I'll vacuum. Give her the option of using central vac all she'll do is whine about what a hardship outside of her has delivered her, making sure everybody watches her struggle, near tears, gasping, at having to move the big hose around the house. You know a vacuum is a good vacuum when it's a really really super loud vacuum, that's how you know it's a powerful vacuum. Oh this house is nearly pure hard wood, well that's okay at least I still know what's better than a mop is a vacuum. VacuuvacuVREEOOEERvacemVREEORitsokayhardwoodthatsokayVREEORvacuvaecemVREEOR. Vacuum when you know your son is sleeping, now I'm not saying I expect the world to conform to my sleep schedule, but, the entire concept of consideration is entirely bypassed. Ram the vacuum right up against his door over and over and over and over. In the morning, always ask "Did I wake you up with my vacuuming?" I obviously know full well she's leading me into a trap, this one is incredibly complicated, I've learned the correct response is a cute and non caring "Yes." And the response to this is "Oh, well, I like vacuuming in the mornings." Again and again, she has it planned, she knows the counter to my pure evil seeing her do this, it's all prepared, but, I can get out of it. I recall a moment in childhood when I was trying to figure out how to block the noise, I'm not allowed to close my door, headphones are not cutting it, when she got very pissed off at me like I've got some kind of a problem with her personally I am out of this world unreasonable she can't fathom me. We eventually landed on it's okay to close my door in the moments she's vacuuming but I'm ridiculous. Vacuvacuvacu***vacu**vacuO_Ovacuvacu:D:D**vacuvacu**O_O:Dvacuvacu****:Dvacuvacu**:D:D**vacuvacu.
Saying anything at all to anybody within the vicinity, she knows you're speaking to her. Whatever the question was it was clearly answered by the person you were speaking to at least a minute ago, everything has clearly moved on. No, you have to go back and solve her "What were you trying to say to me?" or she's never going to shut up about it.
The hearing problem and general feelings within that last one, combined with ego invested conversation maintenance with her became something else. If she asked ne something banal and what she perceived is me not responding for absolutely no reason, her tone of voice implied that she is semi-consciously confirming I am in fact her paranoid hallucination, that clearly means I am psychotic. When you correct her you must remain soft and harmless, your tone is to be apologetic because you understand she is still within her feelings of you not speaking to her for no reason and are therefor completely unreasonable, her big thing, you always need to be aware of the fact that I am still within my entirely unreasonable feelings a little bit I still think my psychotic abstraction is real and so you need to understand that it is in fact still real and be with my feelings or else you are being unreasonable. You don't function properly emotionally. Anything less and the tone of OKEE DOKE within her response implies I am at my absolute limits with you and your repeated insolence and I may well have to find everything I can inside of myself to think I'm supposed to destroy you with psychological establishment.
"I am going to simultaneously require you're psychotic because of all the times you missed sleep in early adulthood, and you have no idea how painful it is to miss a night of sleep when you didn't automatically fall into crying hugs the second I said it."
After revealing my deep emotional repression and processing dysregulation in an attempt to be released from their stupid, I gave her like three to five different concept hammer-in-theres that told her this isn't a "You get to feel sorry for me" thing but I could tell by the look on her face she was going exactly where she needed to go, I can't wait to tell everyone my son's issues have been resolved, this whole time I thought he was being so insolent for being capable of observing who I am and not needing me at all whatsoever and observing me ruin his life for no reason, but it turns out I was in the wrong I was supposed to feel sorry for him his entire life. I can't wait to tell everyone, we have a new reason to feel sorry for him.
And of course the lightning rod for this disorder of an argument, the every angled perfection argument that can only come out of the work of God, God of course being permitted to be perfectly on the nose and we can still call it an artist. "It's so ridiculous that anybody would ever write a character that cares about what happens to the world after they die. Not one person would ever care about the world after they die." "Not everyone is as self interested as you, mother." That one wasn't in my casual monotone, usually with her these things are in my casual monotone, I feel a little embarrassed for ever breaking with her the casual monotone. It devolved into "You need to let people have their opinions. You never let people have their opinions." Which, at this point I would like to address, is a criss crossing nonsense statement anywhere it is ever used, that is an off-communication that should not happen. It happens at people who express opinions at opinions and it's telling this person they are not permitted to have an opinion that could ever possibly be different than any other person's opinion. It's generally your opinion, the only person who is allowed to have any opinions. Only about one tenth of lack of perceptual filter bypass people would ever utter it, you've criss crossed your filters into nonsense and you live in ketamine communicative isolation space. You're either American or you learned it from an American. It ended on her telling me she feels sorry for me for being such an angry person as to enjoy holding opinions that oppose opinions my life of darkness my life of darkness my life of sad angry darkness. Weird. Weird thoughts monster in a weird thoughts box of horror. Thoughts go straight to whatever you want BINGO. No way to let her out of her thoughts box of horror.
Pretty much every argument she has, she basically flies into conversations implying this person is an out of this world idiot, I mean things are a little more complicated than what your argument is automatically being simplified into in my head. Often times she's not even really in the right argument. Then you say a thing that disagrees with her, such as no I don't really think I am a pathetic piece of shit who will never achieve anything, and she will automatically assume you are going full frontal attack on her for absolutely no reason, no matter how calmly and nicely you present your argument back at her the sheer act of ever disagreeing with her is such an obvious aggression, the argument turns into an argument about whether or not you have problems, emotional problems, how aware of yourself you are.
That argument did trigger "Get out of my house" though. I had to do some false validating to get her to calm down for a moment because I wasn't ready to get out of my father's house just yet but it was nice to finally trigger "Get out of my house." I wouldn't usually false validate, but, these things are hair trigger sensitive you have to treat them different. Also she owns the concept of educating everybody that looking inwards is the most difficult thing anybody could ever do ever, even you psychology nerds don't really see it I catch a lot of things about all of you that you're oblivious to but I'm pretty much the queen of people reading nobody can touch my people reading. After the false validating I was able to bring her to "Oh, everything you hate about me is everything I hate about myself." Well, close enough, but, no, you still have some aspects of yourself that you like, you still have some aspects of yourself that you find neutral. Things are a little more complicated than if it is a trait within the realm of happy things like warm and creative it is automatically good. No I don't hold a feminist grudge against women who want to be homemakers I just saw an opportunity. Any feminist who holds that grudge isn't doing feminism right, but generally neither are the homemakers who oppose it. You don't see a man doing that shit a man feminist isn't doing that shit.
After all the hard hammer down get the ever loving fuck out of your adult son's life, properly packaged in the manner that will be received into the happy ego centre, it really looked like it went all the way in there, the next day she managed to figure out how to get her brain to go "So what I want you to do now is make a list of all the things you want to do to achieve your independence. I'll help you sort it all out for you." Now I have to give her reality again, but I have to do it cute and charming, otherwise she says "Do you believe you're psychotic?" again and now I'm dealing with the potential destruction of humanity. The first time she said it, I was in the middle of screaming in her face about her inside outside disorder conceptions of her son's happiness, the one that began the chain that led to the reasonably adequate eventual shut up and leave me alone. She was doing a lot of "I feel sorry for you, you're a yelling person, you're an opinions person, that's so sad. I'm a warm and friendly person and never an angry person and I feel sorry for you." When she got to "Do you believe you're psychotic?" all I could muster within my moment of righteous justice was "Omitted." I couldn't bring myself to submit for survival. Later I realized I had to do some... Technical... Psychology knowledge... Stuff... Technically the nature of what they think I have... Technically society doesn't really know what they're... Doing... Technically. It's more complicated than. Technically.
I had to use your own stupidity against you in this moment, no the delusional land of pretend that you are within would in fact declare the diagnosis solid, I had to use the psychological establishment doesn't really understand these things that you know you can now trust from me and your own lack of understanding of the diagnosis simultaneously, technically the words that came out my face is something that is actually true about my diagnosis that the psychological establishment is entirely oblivious to. These things hurt me, whatever works, a lot of our level of cognitive functioning needs to learn a painful whatever works.
I was basically able to get her to stop with the casual rummaging through my things, but, I still met the "But I like a clean house" label. And you look so unreasonable in that self-referential thought block labeled "But I like a clean house," I bet you just want to bring up the fact that you pay rent and are not eight years old to JUSTIFY the fact that sometimes I see you leave a dirty glass on your bed side table or desk for up to two days, I know in that moment that I need to go through every corner of your closet, you really don't keep the inside of your stereo very clean at all, I bet under the dirt of this house plant is something very evi-unorganized. I can't actually bring up the concept of asking permission, because the only reason I would ever even think for a second the concept of permission when we want to go through your things is because you're hiding your complex twenty year plan to get me to believe I'm hallucinating.
Then she totally fell apart within our final argument. I lost my shit on my uncle and his passive aggressive society speak and calling celebrities stupid for making smart decisions such as altering their pseudonym even though the masses are in all sorts of abstract societal associations. Oh yeah you just get to think like that because you're a big artist so it's just okay to change your pseudonym even though the public is fucking nonsensically stupid about it I'm pretending you're pretending I'm pretending you just want to talk about how you're floating on yourself you see what I'm sayin' you don't see what I'm sayin' you see what I'm sayin'. Then he big baby pussy pants pouted and went home. Then my mother reverted to an explanation on how I'm not supposed to release my anger what I'm supposed to do is release my anger, no okay how about SOMETIMES release your anger, not RIGHT NOW which is obviously ETERNITY because even though I've seen you release about eight times in my life this is happening right now and so you need to learn to only do it SOMETIMES. Then she threatened to put me back on the medication because right now I am scaring her by releasing emotion which is automatically rape murder horror threatening the second there is any emotion, unless of course it's coming out of her at me asking about Greek salad. She explained to me how I'm wrong, you're not supposed to have intellectual analysis of interaction, you're supposed to be happy, she explained to me I'm always telling people they're wrong she NEVER tells anybody they're wrong, no I did NOT just say you were wrong you are WRONG, you're ALWAYS WRONG. After I declared her constant hypocrisy is such a simple point out, she said "If it's so simple why do you disobey?" Then after a long string of attempting to get my thoughts into her brain she locked herself into "You need to tell me what you're feeling." "I'm feeling everything you're hearing." "Those are not feelings words, you need to tell me what you're feeling." "I am feeling everything you're hearing." "Those are not feelings words you need to tell me what you're feeling." I told her that with you it is a tunnel of infuriation, she can't do it, all she's going to do is draw me into her tunnel, we're establishing that she doesn't get to do it, we're establishing the boundaries. "Okay now I'm establishing a boundary myself." "Good. Do that." "I'm establishing the boundary that when I want to talk about my feelings on your feelings and properly label them until they become altered into correct you are going to need to be drawn into my tunnel of infuriation." *chuckle* "Oh God that's a bad one." It's such a confusing nonsensical tunnel I'd never be able to pull it off, even if I submitted she'd draw me into broken concepts and revert back to things we've already discussed and told me I did it wrong what are you talking about we never even discussed that we discussed that and you did it wrong yes exactly and you were right you were totally right and you were wrong and we never discussed that and then back into the future of the past of the conversation of concepts that live on Neptune. By the end it always feels like I'm in some kind of anger at imagination farce going DR!DR!DAH!! yelling just for the sake of having an object to yell at.
Throughout the experience, particularly all of the "Now I can destroy you with my stupid because the others are just as stupid as me" moments, the happy evil look was very detectable, it was beginning to breach the limits of not requiring any empath to detect. You know about one third of you have seen this face, you've seen these moments, a lot of you have to say goodbye to that memory because you know you're capable of doing this as well. I see it formulating, right now you're thinking "I COUL PHONE POLICE AN SAY HAY A PSYCHOTIC YELLING I PRETEND TO THINK I DON'T KNOW WHAT MEAN. POLICE SAY OHBAH A PSYCHOTIC YELLING OHBAH DEY COME OVER WEEOOWEEOOWEEOO AND STUPID DEFEAT SMART YET AGAIN. YOU EVIL SMART WANT DESTROY THE HAPPY JUST BECAUSE IT DESTROYS YOU, THAT EVIL, HAPPY LIKES OBLIVIOUS TO WHAT IT DOES TO PEOPLE, WE DESTROY YOU."
HAY. About one third of your life is false memories, you have well over one hundred completely repressed day to day life memories, particularly our life together when I was a child.
She pulled "Well maybe you don't want to eat our food anymore either maybe you want to buy your own food, hm!?" And I said yes, that is exactly what I want. That is actually what I have been wanting the entire time I lived here. I believe I brought it up when you forced me to move in, I don't want to eat your food I don't want to be your captured son. Repress repress repress repress just as the first time I said that repress repress repress repress. The sly evil smirk moments when she gets to call me a freeloader, I'm winning, every time you suggest you're leaving I fall into shrieking horrible darkness you know I'm going to go crying to everybody about how horrible it is to be me what horrible things my son does to me by living a life outside of my stupid while simultaneously finding all of the stupid within society to get you back in my custody. But I don't say it. So you know you're free. In me. In me you know you're free. That's how I know I get to know you know I know you freeloader. You know all of the threats we delivered you when YOU moved in still stand, you're free, hehehehe. I display to everyone the image of you as a gross schizophrenic with my stupid, I display to everyone the image of you as a drugs freeloader with my stupid, I display to everyone the image of you as an evil person with my stupid. I win. You love me, I never raped you. The only reason you're here is for me to get to have a stupid and innocent baby to take care of, then you went and did the evil baby talk and I knew I needed to destroy you, you're probably going to want your life to be all about YOU because you're SELFISH, I'm your MOTHER.
"I'm telling Sandra on you every day. EVERY DAY. She cleaned it up, she's on my side, she sees things like you she sees things clearly. No I don't tell her schizophrenic I save your dignity."
Yes she did build a big fat "You used to hit Alicia and then call yourself a feminist? Call ME an improper feminist when I educate you on proper feminism?" complex on me and then repress it. Along with this little maneuver and the education on proper feminism quoting the words of Alicia who she only ever saw as sweet adorable snowflake, BWAP you're never gonna find 'em. It's everything your life is to be from this point forward.
Destroy humanity with the stupid to make the happy ego centre happy. Who thinks everybody would be happier if the world ended with her. She did actually say about two months after the saving the world from an armageddon is stupid you're not even going to be alive argument "I think the happiest death for me would be a planet obliterating asteroid, it's a very reassuring way to die, I think everyone would prefer that one." Do not give her any sort of God representation status, it all falls apart, even as a perfect representation of stupid nonsense she fucks it all up. No not by being smart, by being off perfect meaningless stupid that doesn't even say anything and it doesn't even not say anything in the correct God representation manner it's just a stupid weird little God blip. It has little moments of representation, you can rarely pull anything properly metaphorical out of them they just DUR you're the mother of Kit Carruthers.
IF FIX HUMANITY MEAN PEOPLE LIKE ANNA HAVE TO BE MADE AWARE OF FACT THEY STUPID, THEN WHOLE WORLD GOING TO NEED TO GO DOOWWWN WIFF ANNA, DOOOWWN WIFF ANNA, dooowwwnn...
A woman connected to The Society of Social Disturbance, (Monica), has this disorder, she pointed it out for me after reading about my mother and my aunt, she took it all the way to madness. Opened the doors for discovering all of these thought filtering disorders. Oh, my aunt, behind your back I basically called you a gossipy bitch with a false image that in some ways may well be designed to feed you potential gossip, but, you're a better person than my mother. At least you're capable of admitting to being the centre of the universe. You're isolating yourself, everybody you're fake to knows what you are behind their back, this is actually the opposite of how you gain people's friendship. See? It's always the opposite, you're always in opposite land. Everybody is calling you a gossipy bitch behind your back. Everyone. You were right. But you knew you didn't get to use that one, didn't you? You broke it. You broke your thoughts box of horror. You're a very witty person. (Monica) understands that in the future this genetic condition is going to become a bit of a problem, it presents itself more often than you'd think.